Relationship Crisis - Is it you or them?

Do you know why are you constantly fighting with your partner? Do you know why everything they do seems to trigger or bother you? Do you know why you think that they will cheat on you? The cause of all these thoughts is fear.

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What does Fear do to you?

Your fear is what causes you to have such a troubled relationship with your loved ones. This is not philosophy, but rather backed by science. You know what happens to your brain when you are in fear?

Fear increases the stress levels in your body, which then secretes a hormone called 'cortisol' which automatically sends your body in 'flight or fight' mode.

What do you mean by 'flight or fight' mode? It is the kind of reaction you see in a deer when it sees a lion, or when a guy gets caught sneaking into his girlfriend's house, or when you fail an important school test.

This fears automatically send you into a flight or fight mode and your body reacts accordingly. Your thoughts align with the stress hormone secreted in your body and you naturally switch into that deer holding on to it's dear life, running or fighting to stay alive. This is exactly how you react to your loved ones. You either excessively fight with them or want to escape.

It is not usually your partner's actions that trigger you but your own fearful thoughts about those actions. For example, if your partner didn't answer your call, your fearful instincts kick in and you think thoughts like, 'maybe they are having an affair', 'maybe they are ignoring me', 'maybe they were in an accident' etc. All of these reactions and thoughts are a direct result of your fears and your stress hormone.

For years you have been programmed to believe things like, 'I am not good enough', 'I am not pretty/handsome', 'I am not rich', 'I fear being alone' etc. All these fears constantly keep you in the flight or fight mode, producing higher cortisol levels, thus resulting into further negative thoughts and reactions. It's a negative spiral you are living in.

What can you do?

If only you were more positive and functioned out of love, i.e, the complete opposite of fear, what do you think would change in your brain? Would you still continue to have those negative, stressful outbursts?

If your basic thoughts about yourself are more loving, kind and more happy, what would be different in your body?

The first thing that starts happening in your body is, you secrete more dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin - the happy, love hormones, which trigger happier reactions in your body.

Thinking thoughts like, 'I am beautiful', 'I am perfect', 'I love being financially independent', 'I enjoy spending time with myself', 'I enjoy adding value to someone else' life with my work', will automatically trigger the production of these hormones resulting in positive and healthy responses in you. Balanced hormones mean improved control over your mind and emotions which facilitate better response and reaction even when you are faced with a troubled situation.

If you have good control over your mind and emotions, then, no matter who the person is in front of you or what they do, rather than trying to fight them or escape them, you will be able to expand your understanding of the situation and yourself, ultimately finding the confidence to take actions that bring you joy, peace and love.

Remember, it is not you or them, rather your perception of yourself that you mirror in them. Clean the mirror, take care of yourself, love yourself and see the reflection change.

Embrace yourself like you would embrace your child, because we all could use a little more love.